The fellas over at Woot cracked me up:
Today’s the day for Steve Jobs’ big Apple WWDC keynote speech. Of course, we’re all as excited as any other group of socially maladjusted techno-bores. But why wait around for real-time coverage on some inferior blog when you can get the scoop first right here on Woot.com?
(all times Pacific)
9:55 AM: Anticipation building. Tension high. Apple cops break up a knife fight in the fourth row. No apparent injuries.
10:01 AM: John Hodgman appears onscreen, completely nude and racked by tremendous sobs. “I’m a PC. I’ve wasted my life. I don’t deserve to live.” More weeping. No Mac guy. Screen fades to black. Tremendous applause.
10:02 AM: Here comes Jobs, clad in a bandanna headband and denim jacket with the sleeves ripped off, fist-pumping across the stage to the tune of “The Kid Is Hot Tonight”. Announces new iTouch Loverboy Edition.
10:06 AM: New iPhone will run on hydrogen fuel cells, just to be extra-hip.
10:10 AM: iTunes rentals will no longer carry “be kind, rewind” stickers.
10:14 AM: iPod market share now stands at 113%.
10:16 AM: Apple Stores will now have dress code, guest list, two-drink minimum.
10:18 AM: Jobs shows pie graph illustrating how this year’s pie graphs are 38% awesomer than last year’s.
10:23 AM: Despite calls from supporters to carry his fight to the convention floor, Jobs is suspending his campaign for the Democratic nomination for president.
10:26 AM: iPhone’s real-time video monitoring of every person on Earth still 3-5 years away.
10:28 AM: 10.6 will have Disney Princesses theme.
10:32 AM: 10.7 security features will automatically lock out anyone over 47.
10:36 AM: New MacBooks will not have monitors, which Jobs calls “stale…a thing of the past.”
10:42 AM: Jobs joined onstage by some “very special, really super” guests: Steve Ballmer’s two sons, bound and gagged with duct tape. “I really hope we can find a way to end this thing, Steve,” Jobs says, fidgeting with a cricket bat. “I’d hate to get blood on my new suit.”
10:50 AM: New Startup theme written by Kevin Federline.
10:56 AM: When Jobs says “boom” for the fifth time, Joel Johnson wins WWDC Keynote Bingo.
11:02 AM: Expects to complete “free iBook for everyone in Brooklyn” program by August.
11:21 AM: Sorry, fell asleep when he brought up new Dashboard widgets. Hope I didn’t miss anything.
11:23 AM: Introducing new resolution-independent UI development, Jobs drops to one knee, performs monologue from King Lear. Seems well-received.
11:31 AM: One more thing…Apple Bob.
via John Tracy
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